some of my favorites. . .

There is so much good in the worst of us
and so much bad in the best of us
that it ill behooves any of us
to talk about the rest of us
xxxxx--Unknown, via my grandfather

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" but "That's funny..."
xxxxx--Isaac Asimov

Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.

"You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
xxxxx--Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio

Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
xxxxIf you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
xxxxIf you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.

To be yourself, in a world that tries, night and day, to make you just like everybody else - is to fight the greatest battle there ever is to fight, and never stop fighting.
xxxxx--e.e. cummings

When love is gone, there's always justice.
And when justice is gone, there's always force.
And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
Hi, Mom!
xxxxx--Laurie Anderson (Hi mom!)

As far as Clinton supposedly cheating on his wife, what do people think he's going to do? Be president of another country while he's president of ours?
xxxxx--Tom R., age 12

I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humor! This is what entertainment is all about: Idiots, explosives and falling anvils.

"Hi. This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number...and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the F.B.I...BEEEP"
xxxxx--Blue Devil comics

A thing of beauty is a joy till sunrise.
xxxxx--Harvey Fierstein

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious
xxxxx--Murphy's Corollaries

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.

Speak in French when you can't think of the English for a thing, turn out your toes as you walk, and remember who you are!
xxxxx--Lewis Carroll

Alligator Allegory:
The objective of all dedicated product support employees should be to thoroughly analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems when called upon. However, when you are up to your ass in alligators, it is difficult to remind yourself that your initial objective was to drain the swamp.

I drink to make other people interesting.
xxxxx--George Jean Nathan

The worst men often give the best advice.
xxxxx--P. J. Bailey

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and advice them to do it
xxxxx--Harry S Truman

Beware of the fury of the patient man
xxxxx--John Dryden

Sticks and stones may break your bones
when there's anger to inpart.
Spiteful words can hurt your feelings
but silence breaks your heart.

The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
xxxxx--Lucille Ball

My only fear is that I may live too long. This would be a subject of dread to me.
xxxxx--Thomas Jefferson

Si Hoc Legere Scis Nimium Eruditionis Habes. (translation: If you can read this you're overeducated)

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs at you
xxxxx--JM Linsner

This will never be a civilized country until we expend more money for books than we do for chewing gum
xxxxx--Elbert Hubbard

The man who does not read books has no advantage over the man that can not read them.
xxxxx--Mark Twain

I'd rather have a goddam horse. A horse is at least human, for God's sake.
xxxxx--J.D. Salinger, on cars

People with insufficient personalities are fond of cats. These people adore being ignored.
xxxxx--Henry Morgan

I never heard of anyone who was really literate or who ever really loved books who wanted to suppress any of them. Censors only read a book with great difficulty, moving their lips as they puzzle out each syllable, when someone tells them that the book is unfit to read.
xxxxx--Robertson Davies

I have the heart of a child. I keep it in a jar on my desk.
xxxxx--Robert Bloch

Learning to dislike children at an early age saves alot of expense and aggravation later in life.
xxxxx--Robert Byrne

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
xxxxx--Phyllis Diller

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.
xxxxx--P. J. O'Rourke

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant - and let the air out of their tires.
xxxxx--Dorothy Parker

You know children are growing up when they start asking questions that have answers.
xxxxx--John Plomp

Some of my best friends are children. In fact, all of my best friends are children.
xxxxx--J. D. Salinger

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
xxxxx--Robert Cringely

The killer looked up as the bullet hit him. He looked as if he were puzzled by some strange occurence, being too freshly dead to be aware of it.
xxxxx--Robert Heinlein

Kill one man and you are a murderer. Kill millions and you are a conqueror. Kill everyone and you are God.
xxxxx--Jean Rostand

Histories are more full of examples of the fidelity of dogs than of friends.
xxxxx--Alexander Pope

Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night.
xxxxx--Edgar Allen Poe

Heaven for climate. Hell for company.
xxxxx--Mark Twain

Your friend is that man who knows all about you, and still likes you.
xxxxx--Elbert Hubbard

You must be oh-so smart, or oh-so pleasant. For years I was smart. I recommend pleasant...and you may quote me.
xxxxx--Jimmy Stewart in Harvey

Life is a nacho. It can be yummy-crunchy or squishy-yucky. It just depends on how long it takes for you to start eating it.

Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun.
xxxxx--Matt Groening

Giving a beautiful woman an education is like pouring honey into a fine swiss watch
xxxxx--Don DeWitt (a missed friend)

Many who have spent a lifetime in it can tell us less of love than the child that lost a dog yesterday.
xxxxx--Thorton Wilder

I only require three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.
xxxxx--Dorothy Parker

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
xxxxx--John Lehman

Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wants to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion.
xxxxx--L. Ronald Hubbard

Religion is the fashionable substitute for belief.
xxxxx--Oscar Wilde

Romance should never begin with sentiment. It should begin with science and end with a settlement.
xxxxx--Oscar Wilde

Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humor in the woman.
xxxxx--Oscar Wilde

There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex... People should be very free with sex, they should draw the line at goats.
xxxxx--Elton John

I used to smoke two packs a day and I just hate being a nonsmoker...But I will never consider myself a nonsmoker. Because I always find smokers the most interesting people at the table.
xxxxx--Michelle Pfeiffer

Men love war because it allows them to look serious. Because it is the one thing that stops women from laughing at them.
xxxxx--John Fowles

A woman is the only thing that I am afraid of that I know will not hurt me.
xxxxx--Abe Lincoln

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
xxxxx--Pablo Picasso

I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is; I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat.
xxxxx--Rebecca West

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."

"Obviously crime pays, or there'd be no crime."
xxxxx--G. Gordon Liddy

"When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty."
xxxxx--Norm Crosby

A Thanksgiving Prayer
(read with caution, and don't flame me until you look up "irony" in the dictionary)
Thanks for the wild turkey and the passenger pigeons, destined to be shit out through wholesome American guts. Thanks for a continent to despoil and poison. Thanks for Indians to provide a modicum of challenge and danger. Thanks for vast herds of bison to kill and skin leaving the carcasses to rot. Thanks for bounties on wolves and coyotes. Thanks for the American dream, to vulgarize and to falsify until the bare lies shine through. Thanks for the KKK. For nigger-killin' lawmen, feelin' their notches. For decent church-goin' women,with their mean, pinched, bitter, evil faces. Thanks for "Kill a Queer for Christ" stickers. Thanks for laboratory AIDS. Thanks for Prohibition and the war against drugs. Thanks for a country where nobody's allowed to mind the own business. Thanks for a nation of finks. Yes, thanks for all the memories--all right let's see your arms! You always were a headache and you always were a bore. Thanks for the last and greatest betrayal of the last and greatest of human dreams.
xxxxx--William S. Burroughs (1914-1997)

One must still have chaos in oneself to give birth to a dancing star.

"Anyone who can only think of one way to spell a word obviously lacks imagination."
xxxxx--Mark Twain

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

Mary was an unwed teenage mother.

In a nutshell, the city sleeps.
xxxxx--Al Morton

And the lesson was this; sit in the sun, head down, within a prickly vine, in a flickery light, or open light, and the world will come to you. The sky will come in its time, bringing rain, and the earth will rise through you, from beneath, and make you rich and make you full.
xxxxx--Ray Bradbury

A volunteer pointed out to me the other day, too, that even if Y2K brings everything crashing down, our Diplodocus will be still be standing a week later, and five-year-old kids will still be amazed.
xxxxx--Clayton Moore

Out of clutter, find Simplicity.
From discord, find Harmony.
In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.
xxxxx--Albert Einstein (Three Rules of Work)

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
xxxxx - Albert Einstein

It is important that students bring a certain ragamuffin, barefoot, irreverence to their studies; they are not here to worship what is known, but to question it.
xxxxx - J. Bronowski

I don't know what you could say about a day in which you have seen four beautiful sunsets.
xxxxx - John Glenn

All that is gold does not glitter; not all those that wander are lost.
xxxxx - J R R Tolkien

If I try to be like him, who will be like me?
xxxxx - Yiddish saying

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
xxxxx - Albert Einstein



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